Daughter of the Forest
by Jael the Scribe
Summary: Evil King Thranduil chastises his 'favorite' guard. A tongue-in-cheek commentary on the new Hobbit movies, set in the Not Fade Away universe. Rated T for innuendo.


My usual disclaimer applies. I don't own much of this. I don't think JRR Tolkien would recognize these elves either, so enjoy!

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**Daughter of the Forest**

"Tauriel!"

"Yes, my Lord?"

"You may be my favorite guard, but you have followed your conscience and defied my will once too often. This time your actions had serious consequences, and you must pay for your insubordination."

"Yes, my Lord. Will the punishment be time spent out on spider patrol or imprisonment in the dungeons?"

"I should really have you flogged. But I will be merciful. Come here and take off your clothes."

"My Lord - surely you cannot be serious!"

"Deadly serious, my pretty one. Did you think you could defy your monarch with impunity?"

"But my Lord - I am but a simple forest girl, and a blushing maiden as well. Have you not read the Laws and Customs given to us by the wise, chaste and virtuous Golodhrim?"

"The Golodhrim are idiots and I spit on their laws. What is the use of being King if I cannot exercise my passions at will? Now, come here and pleasure me all night, in every which way I decree!"

"No, no, I cannot!"

"You can and you will. I order you to get over here, you flame-haired wench! Kneel!"

"Oooooh, my mighty King!"

There came a loud pounding on the bedroom door.

A voice on the other side of the door said, "I will give you twenty seconds to make yourselves decent, and then I am coming in. Twenty . . . nineteen . . . eighteen . . ."

"_Huitho_!" Numbers seventeen through one were drowned out by the sound of frantic scrambling.

The door opened to reveal a tow-haired young man in green plaid pajamas.

"Dammit, Leif," said Aaron Rivers, "aren't you a little old to be wanting to climb into bed with your parents in the middle of the night?"

Leif let out a patient sigh. "See here, you two - oh my goodness, Mother, you look, dare I say, foxy in that red wig!" He shook his head. "Where was I? Oh yes. First of all, it isn't the middle of the night. The Colbert Report just ended. Second, I am well past the age of my majority. I know where little elves come from, and I have resigned myself to the fact that my parents must have engaged in great joy and delight at least once."

"We threw caution to the winds and did it twice," Aaron mumbled sourly.

"And I understand the need, after countless thousands of years of marriage," Leif went on stiffly, "to spice things up a bit with some imaginative role-playing."

"So . . .?" said Aaron, with a glance down at the pillow he held just below his mid-section.

"I simply needed to know if you were aware that your intercom button is engaged and your dramatic activities are being broadcast."

Aaron looked to the side and said, "_Huitho_," again, only this time it came out as a groan. "To the butler's quarters?"

"To the entire household, I'm afraid," Leif replied.

Felice giggled and blushed prettily above the neckline of her vintage Mirkwood guard's livery. "Oh dear, other than to our dignity, there seems to be no harm done."

"Unless you count Glenn," Leif replied. "I think he strained a muscle in his side laughing. Expect him to be laid up for a day or two."

"No wonder he didn't come up to warn us himself," Aaron said. "What with that tragic injury."

"Not really. We decided it with a coin toss. I lost."

Aaron growled and punched several buttons in the panel at his side of the bed. "Very well. It's no great secret that my thoughts have not turned to other things. And neither will yours, if you're lucky."

"That's good to know. I'll go back to bed now. Good night."

"Oh, god . . ." Aaron muttered as the door shut behind his son. "That was embarrassing. The whole household!"

"I don't know, darling," said his wife. "I think the idea of making love with an audience is a little . . . kinky."

Aaron cocked an eyebrow. "Really? You never cease to amaze me. So, where were we before that helpful intrusion?"

"I was the shrinking forest maiden about to reluctantly surrender her virginity to the evil despot."

"Works for me." Aaron tossed his pillow back onto the bed, careful to avoid the intercom panel. "Now, get over here, you disobedient flame-haired wench!"

A short time passed before Aaron said, "Dammit! I can't get the hang of undoing the fasteners on this guard's uniform."

"I find that oddly reassuring, beloved."

"Very funny. I wonder what made this odd fantasy pop into my head. It's ridiculous, when you think about it. The name!"

"True. I would have expected you to come up with something better. Like Itaril. I've always fancied that name."

"Female warrior-guards!"

"Ludicrous!"

"An uppity woman mocking her King!"

"Equally preposterous, you great royal fool!"

"Oh, hush, and help me with this toggle."

"As you command, my Lord."

For a time there was silence and then . . .

"Oh, my little forest girl!"

"Oh, my mighty King!"

_The end_

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**Author's Note: **_Huitho_ is the Sindarin equivalent of the F-word and King Thranduil's favorite cuss-word.


End file.
